if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Two words: nipple clamps
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