so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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