Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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