I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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