I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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