Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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