I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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