Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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