the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
