On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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