I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think my vagina is haunted
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
my liver is dry heaving
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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