Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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