I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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