you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sober January is a disaster.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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