The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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