i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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