I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
