I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
