i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
