It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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