I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
