I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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