Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
