Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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