You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
