Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
