i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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