I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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