Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
