im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
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At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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