remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
