Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
