Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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