My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
