Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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