so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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