I accidentally burped into my bong.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I checked into jail on foursquare
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
