matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This house was built for laser tag.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
