There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i will never coherently bang her
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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