And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
