Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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