My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
