i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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