He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
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the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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