Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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