Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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