What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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