he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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