Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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