Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
