I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
