listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
