It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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