I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
