JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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