if you like me you must not know who I am
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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