Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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